Although my blog hasn't reflected it, I have been hard at work on that New Years resolution. And boy, this is going to be challenging! For the last month I have been working with my Juice Plus mentor on accountability and goals. One of my assignments is to join a professional Networking group, and Miss Ginger is certain that NAWBO is just the spot. So yesterday was the day for the monthly meeting, and I made certain that I paid a week in advance so I wouldn't chicken out. But was I nervous!

For the past 10 years I have worked off and on in Real Estate. For the last two and a half years I have have been a wellness educator with Juice Plus, but it's all been from the back drop of me as a mother and a wife. I have talked to people about health and nutrition, at preschool, or when I get my hair cut, but I have not left the security of that identity until yesterday.

So the time came and I got dressed and ready to go. Already I was stressed because I thought, "How did I let this happen? I have to get across town and be there in 20 minutes!" So I threw my clothes on, grabbed a bag out of my dirty purse pile (hey it matched!) and raced to my car. By the time I was leaving the neighborhood I began to sense that my sweater had an unpleasant odor. I hadn't worn it in a while, probably should have washed it, but it had been sitting, cleanish, in my closet for over a month. My first thought was that it smelled like "closet", and not the nice closets with smelly little soaps. Just this sort of musty smell. By this point, in near panic, I had my mother on the phone. "roll the windows down" she counseled. So I am driving across town, stomach full of fear, hair flying. I had hung up with my mother in an effort to calm myself, and focus on how fresh my sweater was beginning to smell, when I became totally convinced that the scent on my sweater was not "closet", but "Pink Baby", my daughters lovey.

It was at this moment, approaching the last of 3 Targets, that I realized I had miscalculated the time, and had an extra half hour. I must stop. I could not continue on to a luncheon smelling like a lovey!. Standing in the room spray aisle, for a moment I contemplated just sneaking and spraying some of the fabric spray directly on to my sweater. Then I looked at the directions which said "never spray while wearing". What did I think would happen? Not one to break the rules, I bought it and took it out to the car. Now this was a risky move too since I could end up smelling much more offensive than "Stinky Pink" as I like to call her. So I took off the sweater, sprayed it and then sat in the Target parking lot, directing the vents to dry the darn thing.

As I was sitting there, waiting for my sweater to dry, I watched a young mother wheeling her preschooler into the store. In my stomach I felt a twinge, and for a moment I just wanted to be her, running into Target with my son. I had to remind myself that I am her, but I also want more.

I am happy to report that it all turned out all right, I went orderless to the luncheon, and I survived. Next month I will go wearing a freshly clean sweater, and maybe even carrying a clean purse. I will probably still be nervous but hopefully not as neurotic as yesterday. The point is, to grow, we all have to push ourselves places where we may not have been, and where it isn't so comfortable. And when you are pushing yourself, thinking crazy, irrational thoughts, based on fear, know that you aren't alone. If it helps, think of me, a typically rational, and usually clean woman, headed off to her first NAWBO meeting smelling like a lovey.

2009 Here I come!

Last night we toasted the New Year at 9pm. Champagne, sparkling cider, the whole bit. It's really not that strange when you consider that my friends and I have young children.
After a brief debate over what time it was on the east coast (Arizona doesn't do daylight savings), the talk turned to New Years resolutions. To my horror, they insisted on going around the circle and having a response from everyone. As someone who as a matter of policy does not "do" New Years resolutions, this grabbed me off guard. What to say? I can't lie, give some glib response, there is something sacred in the pick. The mere utterance reeks of commitment.

Even now that I technically have a "resolution" I hate the thought of it. But here it goes, I am putting it out there. This year I am striving to be the woman God designed me to be. This year I am grabbing on to my true self, and holding fast. This year I will be intentional. Isn't that a good resolution? What if we all did that?

Did you ever have that feeling deep inside that you were supposed to be greater? That feeling that there was something much more for you, a desire to soar, to cast off fear and fly? That's God. He made us to be so much more than we are. That's what he wants for us. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way. So I guess for me that's where the intentional part comes in, intentional with time, and direction. And this is a toughie. But now it's out there. See how that works?